kings of the day old blues
by xfucktheglasses
Summary: Discontinued.
1. the pilot

The apartment was quiet.

Four grown men surrounded a little girl as she sat in the middle of a beat-up couch, her little hands on her laps, burnt-red hair in messy pigtails and dark eyes transfixed on them. She was half being swallowed by the cushion, but she didn't seem to mind; knowing her, she was probably enjoying how awkward they felt. Pretty sadistic even for a little three-and-a-half-year old.

She smirked at them.

Yeah, well, that's what you get when you unexpectedly get black-mailed into babysitting your douche of a best friend's kid—Sasuke's kid, to be exact.

Suigetsu cleared his throat, "How ya doin', Minako?"

Her smirk widened into a sweet smile. Yeah, everyone loved Suigetsu, huh.

"S'good… Uh… Y'member yer uncle Sui, righ?" He pointed at himself before pointing at the others, "'nd yer uncle Kiba, 'nd yer uncle Naruto, 'nd yer uncle Neji, too, righ'?"

Minako nodded her head, ignoring how her burgundy forelocks entangled with her lashes.

"S'good…"

It went quiet again and the four men shifted in their stance before Naruto dropped onto the armchair, grinning at her. "Hey, Mina-chan! How's bout we play a game?"

Minako shook her head.

Yeah, no one liked playing games with Naruto—asshole always managed to win even when he tried to get her to win.

Finally, Kiba scoffed, walking around the messy coffee table and sitting down next to Minako, pulling her onto his lap. "Okay, kiddo, how about we tell you a story?"

"Stowy?" Minako echoed.

"Yeah," About how your dad met your mom."

.

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* * *

**the ballad of the devil's rejects  
**by: xfucktheglasses

* * *

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Sasuke closed the driver's door, shifting around in his seat to get comfortable. He rested his wrist on the top of the steering wheel, sliding the seatbelt across his body with one hand. Next to him, on the passenger's seat, Kiba rested his feet on the dashboard, window rolled down and eyes closed in relaxation.

"Your mom's gonna flip," he drawled.

In the backseats, Naruto snickered, Suigetsu grinned and Neji continued to look highly appalled at what they were up to _now_.

They were _always_ up to bad things. If it was not skipping their university classes (first years and they needed all the credits, Neji might like to add) to go to arcades or even to leave town for the day if not the entire week, it was about blowing things up and racing around the streets way over the speed limit and see how long it would take to get caught. Or binge drinking.

God, there was so much binge drinking.

But this?

This was the craziest of their ideas.

Neji didn't even know how it all ended up to this. It was a random Wednesday afternoon; Suigetsu skipped his calculus class (How the hell did someone like Suigetsu get into calculus none of them will _ever_ know), Sasuke skipped his morning English class and Kiba, Naruto and he didn't have any morning class to begin with.

Naturally, they had all gathered at Sasuke's place. And just as naturally, they all began to either play video games or lounge around; because that was all they ever did, really.

Who was it that brought it up—it was probably Suigetsu.

Of course it was Suigetsu.

It was _always_ Suigetsu.

"Y'know Konoha is bogus," he had said, laying upside down on one of the armchairs in Sasuke's personal living room. "We should go onna'venture!"

And one of the other classless gorillas probably entertained his thought, too. That's how it happened—they let him actually think about it, let the stupid empty words fill up to the point where he actually proposed a road trip. Neji had choked on air at the ridiculous proposition—none of them would have agreed, right? Of course not!

"I'm in," Kiba had said.

"Hell yeah," Naruto had said.

Sasuke had taken the longest, far too into the fight on the screen. But he'd shrugged a shoulder, opening and closing his mouth as he resurfaced from his zone, "Whatever—nothing else to do, anyway."

And no one listened to Neji's refusal.

And that, clearly, was how they all landed inside Sasuke's car, with just the clothes on their backs and the money in their wallets.

Sasuke reversed out of his house's driveway, silently twitching as Kiba began to fiddle with the iPod, searching for something good to play. He did a spontaneous half-turn before kicking the gas and zooming out of his neighborhood and towards the freeway.

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* * *

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Suigetsu was a very ugly shade of green.

Naruto eyed him, warily, from the corner of his eyes. They'd been on the road for about two hours and a half and the highway was never ending and open—and Sasuke loved open, never ending highways; which meant the asshole was driving at flying-speed. Two hours meant it was about six-thirty; the sky was slowly darkening, the sun was setting and the moon was visible, waiting for the light to hit it so it can illuminate the world.

There was no destination—no _big_ one, at the very least. At the moment, they were just driving aimlessly—going straight and seeing where that took them.

But Suigetsu's normally pale complexion was _green_ and he kept squirming and making funny noises that only Naruto (and perhaps even Neji) could hear.

Naruto shifted in his seat, leaning his back against the side of the car and lifting his leg up on the leather seat. "You okay, bro?"

Suigetsu made a strained moaning sound. Kid _was_ the most sensitive to Sasuke's crazy driving…

Neji turned his head and eyed him with careful pale eyes; if the asshole was going to puke, he had better do it _outside_ and not on _his person_! Seriously, his need to throw up was so common, it was no wonder they even still let him eat before they did anything—which, granted, no one knew about this to begin with… Whatever, Neji just didn't want him to throw up on him.

"Is there anything on that iPod that does not make my _ears bleed_?" he sneered at the two on the front seats, if only because they were always safe from Suigetsu's… Weak stomach. Which, to be quite fucking honest was _ridiculous_.

The asshole ate like a goddamn pig—devoured anything set in front of him. And just. Just.

Neji hated him.

And everyone.

And everything.

Kiba chuckled from the passenger's seat, craning his neck to the side and sparing him a glance and a mocking smirk, "Well, shit, sorry—fresh outta Beethoven, bro."

Neji sneered at him, shifting away from Suigetsu as humanly possible. "Oh, believe me, I would demand you delete his music, if you had any; you morons cannot appreciate classical—"

"YAWN," Naruto yelled above Neji's oncoming rant.

That earned him a very, very nasty glare. Not that it affected Naruto; he was practically immune to those things. It came with the package of being friends with Sasuke since they were still in their mothers' womb.

"Alright, alright, _alright_," Kiba said before they could start to bicker and cause Suigetsu any more motion sickness than he was already going through. "Since the old lady is having a fit, let's change the music. Any requests—no, Hyuuga, fuck off."

"Aasdsf," Suigetsu groaned under his breath, making a very nasty hacking noise.

Naruto opened his mouth—

"No? Okay, Muse then." Kiba grinned as he allowed Knights of Cydonia to play, shifting around as the speed of the car increased.

Next to him, Sasuke smirked, sparing a glance to the idiots in the back seats through the rear-view mirror and thoroughly enjoying Neji's tortured look, Naruto's disgust and Suigetsu's slumped form.

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* * *

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It wasn't until a little passed ten at night that they came to a sudden stop in the middle of the highway. It was deserted enough that they could get away with it without causing traffic or a pretty awful disaster. With the little lighting, the stars were really clear above them, as was the moon in its crescent stage.

Suigetsu let out a deep sigh, in his sleep, his head leaning against Neji's arms and his legs entangled with Naruto's.

"Che?" Kiba turned to Sasuke, who was running his hands through his hair and puffing his cheeks up with air before letting it out. "The hell's up yours?"

"So where's our first stop?" Sasuke asked, ignoring Kiba.

"Well, shit, closest place is Oto," Naruto piped up, shifting around. "We past that place about… Three hours ago? What's after Oto?"

"Suna," Kiba answered in a drawl.

"So, our choices are," Naruto squinted his blue eyes at the highway signs hanging above them. "Suna, that stupid little town with the stupid name—Valley of the End—, Kumo, Kiri, Ame, Iwa…So many places, man."

They grew quiet, Suigetsu's light snores the only noise, since they turned the music down and barely audible. Sasuke leaned back in his seat, rubbing his face with his hands. Kiba took his cellphone out and began to go through his emails and text messages, Naruto zoned out and Neji… Neji continued to hate everything, albeit in a silent manner.

"Fuck it," Sasuke said, speeding off and causing the tires to burn against the concrete. "Suna it is."

Kiba chuckled as Naruto said, pumping a fist in the air, "To Sasuke's two best friends, then!"

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* * *

Omg okay, so originally, I just wanted to write a broship fic with my boys. But then I started watching "How I Met Your Mother" And everything spiraled from there. So, while this DOES HAVE SasuSaku and other pairings, IT IS NOT SASUSAKU CENTRIC. It is a friendship fic above everything, which is why it is NOT under the SasuSaku section. It will happen, gradually. At some point. It WILL. I have this planned out, for once in my life.

So let's just enjoy the ride and not harass les like we normally do. Okay?

Please review! c:


	2. the one with the flower crown

"Now, kid, before we continue telling the story, there's something we need to say, 'kay? Everything your mom, your aunt Ino, your aunt Karin… And all your other crazy aunts tell you about true love and fairytales and Disney is _not true_. Like, no, don't believe anything they say, they're setting you up for failure—"

"You can't just tell a child that, what even—"

There was some twitching and some death glares and some hisses and a poor three year old who watched the entire thing with wide dark eyes.

"Shut up, Hyuuga. So yeah, kiddo. The only one with some sense is your aunt Tenten—"

"YOU CAN'T DIRECT HER TO TENTEN, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL—"

Kiba waved a hand in the air, without a care, his eyes on Minako as he successfully ignored Neji's visible twitches and Naruto's erratic breathing.

"And I'm only saying this because it's crucial to the story," he said, raising an eyebrow at her, "Because your dad doesn't go in this long journey where he by chance meets his one true love and they didn't fall in love at first sight of each other." Kiba looked away from the little girl, smirking as he muttered to the others, "It took them four nights and a couple of beers."

Suigetsu grinned, crookedly.

"You are horrible. Hand me the child; you're polluting her with your peasantry." Minako was plucked off of Kiba's lap and brought back down onto Neji's. He sneered at the idiots that stared at him with blank eyes, looking down at the little girl and feeling almost thankful that while she had a lot of Sasuke, didn't exactly look entirely like him. He softened his voice a bit as he said, "Minako, what the Neanderthal is trying to say is… I actually do not know what he was trying to say. Let's just continue the story, shall we?"

* * *

**the ballad of the devil's rejects  
**by: xfucktheglasses

* * *

Suna basically sucked because it was _still_ scorching hot at one in the morning. Sasuke groaned, leaning his forehead against the cool top of the door, waiting for the car to fill up with gas. It was a legit miracle that he had even remembered where the damn gas station was; he didn't think Baby would have made it any further if he hadn't.

Inside, Kiba was half asleep on the passenger's seat and in the back, Suigetsu resurfaced from his car sickness, shifting around so that the top half of his body was in the front, his violet eyes alert and without a single drop of sleepiness within them. Sasuke rolled his eyes, already knowing what was going to come out of his mouth.

"I'm hun'ry," he stated.

No one was the least bit surprised.

Ignoring him, Sasuke decided there was nothing in life that he hated more than the goddamn heat—the sun wasn't even _out_ anymore and it felt like he was stuck in an oven set at over five-hundred degrees. Honestly, he didn't understand how and why he had decided Suna should be a place they should make a stop at—they should have skipped it altogether.

Goddamn city stuck on summer for all four seasons.

He slid back onto the driver's seat, sparing Suigetsu a glance even as he slowly began to back out of the gas station.

"Are you going to get something out of the food mart or—"

There was something like a scream and Sasuke hit the brakes with a hard stomp, eyes wide. Next to him, Kiba jerked awake, sitting up and looking back, eyes still hazy. "Who the hell put a squirrel in the middle of the goddamn road?"

Sasuke got out of the car, scowl in place as he began to investigate what happened and if he basically killed anyone in the process of whatever it was. But he paused, the others around him, when he saw a girl on the floor, half crying and half laughing dressed in ripped tights and bright pink shorts and a top that exposed all of her belly. Sasuke narrowed his eyes, half taking in her pink hair and the crown of daisies on her head.

"What the fuck," he heard Naruto breathe out, arms crossed in front of his chest and blue eyes dancing with amusement.

Next to him, Neji was completely appalled. Not that anyone was any more surprised than they had been when Suigetsu threw out his state of hunger.

"Why—I—would someone help her _up_," he choked, making a move towards the laughing-sobbing girl. "And check if she's alright. Uchiha, you're done driving for the night—Jesus, here, let me…"

Naruto went to help him and by the time they managed to throw either of her arms over either of their shoulders so she could basically float in between them, she'd sobered up, sucking in air through barely parted lips, strands of her short pink hair stuck to her cheek and her flower crown tilted more to one side.

"Hey." She looked serious for a good two minutes, pouty lips pressed together and a frown creasing her forehead. Hazy green eyes scanned them, head turning to spare Neji a glance to the left and one to Naruto at the right. "Put me down, you pair of moose—you all almost ran me over!"

And she started giggling again.

"I don't…" Sasuke blinked his eyes, running a hand through his hair. "I don't get it."

But Kiba looked incredibly amused and Suigetsu seemed to be debating whether the need for food was more important or the fact that the girl in front of them was completely trashed was as obvious to the rest of them as it was to him.

"I mean," she said in between her giggles. "I was just… Tryna go home and next thing I know I'm like a deer in the headlights!"

"You were walking home?" Naruto asked, putting her down just as Neji was and keeping his arms hovering around her in case she lost her balance.

She nodded, lifting up her hands and fixing her crown and moving her hair out of her face. "Yup! I live…." She did a complete three-sixty, pointing a finger and trying to see where exactly it was supposed to land. "That way!"

All five of them followed her finger and turned to look at the darkened road that led deeper into the city. And then they all turned back to her, eying her and wondering why exactly she was roaming around the streets of Suna at this ungodly hour, completely trashed and with no one sober around her.

"Let us drive you home," Neji offered, grabbing her arm as she began to dangerously tilt forwards.

She lifted her head and surveyed them again. "My… My mom told me not to get into cars with strange boys."

"Yeah, well a little too late for that," Naruto muttered, half grinning.

* * *

"Uuuuuuuuuuuum." She was leaning forwards, torso almost on the front of the car, knees bumping onto the floor a she kept looking at the rows of houses and trying to see which one was hers.

Suigetsu wore her crown of daisies on his head and he kept rubbing on his stomach, half groaning in the dire need to eat something. How long had it been since he last ate? He was goddamn positive it had been more than an entire day—_god_, that was complete torture! Obviously he needed, like, some food and he needed it as soon as possible and did the girl find her house yet or?

He cracked an eye open, looking around and watching as Neji looked at her with exasperation and Naruto continued to grin and Sasuke basically looked like he was going to flip something because Kiba was driving his car.

"Oh!"

Kiba slowed the car to a snail's crawl.

"That one! I'm _preeeeeetty_ sure that's my house."

All five of them squinted.

It was a house on a corner, had a decent sized porch and a tower-like section that, if they had been total creeps and peeked through the window, would lead to the living room and it looked to have three floors. Naruto furrowed his brow even a Kiba made a turn and parked on the driveway.

"This house looks familiar," he said.

As he climbed out of the back seat, deciding he was too hungry to deal with helping Sasuke and Neji get the girl out, Suigetsu snorted. "Tha's coz all th' houses look th' same, genius."

Naruto stared at him for a second, shoving him away and slowing down as the others walked up the porch, the girl (prideful wench, she was) led the way.

"Mmm," she hummed. "No keys!"

She rang the doorbell.

"On a scale of one to ten," Kiba said, leaning against the fencing of the porch, arms crossed in front of his chest, "how bad does this look?"

"I'm thinking a solid _ten_," Naruto hissed, standing on the second of the four steps.

Suigetsu was still on the walkway, body half turned, "Hey, if her daddy opens tha' door, I'm out."

The girl rang the doorbell again and again and she rang it one more time even as the door was yanked open and a guy about the same age as them stood on the other side, eyes squinted, red hair very messy, torso bare and with an aura that promised death even to girl scouts selling cookies.

The boys reeled in.

And blinked.

"Gaara?!"

* * *

Suigetsu stuffed a stack of salami in his mouth, closing one of the two enormous sized sandwiches and handing it to the girl—he wondered what the hell her name was, calling her 'girl' was beginning to annoy him. She sat on top of the island, legs swinging back and forth and looking a tiny bit more sober than she had been fifteen minutes ago.

He fixed the crown over his head, taking a bite of his sandwich while closing the lid to the mayonnaise with one hand. "Hey, so is she yer girl?"

Gaara, who was looking a bit less annoyed now, looked up at him with the same old blank teal eyes; seriously, Suigetsu wondered if the asshole ever had any other look on his face. Even Sasuke and Neji changed their facial expressions, sometimes.

"No," Gaara drawled, leaning his head back against the back of the couch. "She rents the third floor."

Suigetsu paused, mid bite. "Y' mean th' awesome one wit', like, th' private livin' room?!"

Gaara grunted.

"Where'd you find her?" Naruto asked, sparing the girl a glance as he sat up to take his shirt off. Honestly, it was like Suna got hotter every ten minutes; and normally Naruto was pretty okay with the warmness but, wow, this was getting a bit out of hand.

"Friends with Lee," Gaara muttered, half smirking at the thought of his stupid best friend—who was completely passed out even with all the noise—and the failure of, "He liked her."

Sasuke and Kiba locked eyes for a brief second, identical smirk on their lips.

"Well, I'm going to sleep," the girl said, hopping off the island and quickly washing her hand. Her hair was _actually_ pink and it made Suigetsu think of cotton candy; it looked stringy and a bit tangled and the longest layer reached the base of her neck and when she turned around to thank him for making her a sandwich, her eyes looked really greener thanks to her makeup.

She walked a bit straighter and she half waved at them but they were all pretty positive she gave Sasuke the stink eye before disappearing up the stairs.

"I'm leaving now," Gaara said, standing up. "If you make a mess, I'll kill you."

"Hey," Naruto said, chuckling, "Su casa, mi casa, bro!"

They all stayed silent for a few minutes; Suigetsu walked over to the living room after cleaning the kitchen, disposing of himself on the armchair with a loud groan.

"Seriously, man," Kiba said, almost choking on his laugh, "Talk about fucking coincidences."

.

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* * *

Can you tell I'm having fun yet? Also, so APPARENTLY this isn't gonna be long because long stories make me lose interest so yeah. Also, thank you so much for REVIEWING, like I just delete the faves/alerts, they don't matter to me they're not supportive. BOO YOU WHORES.

Anyway, now that the holidays are over I'm scurrying around tryna update all my multichaps so that they're on top of the massive load of fics I have so I can SEE them and not forget them so yeah, hi.

Please review (:


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